I love a good quote or mantra as much as the next person. Current faves include: “A ship in harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for” (which reminds me constantly to step out of my comfort zone and do things that scare me), “hold the vision, trust the process” (which reminds me that it’s ok not to see results overnight and that consistency is key), “if not now, then when, if not us then whom?” (which reminds me that there might not be a tomorrow and that life is for living – and enjoying, and changing – now) and “though she be but little she is fierce” (self explanatory that one, I think).
I’m doing plenty of things that scare me a bit right now. But they also mostly excite me:
- Becoming a morning person. Tough, especially when the alarm goes off, but fuck me if it hasn’t changed my life. It’s the best part of the day.
- Becoming a runner. Never thought THAT would happen. Now genuinely look forward to running, and the headspace it gives me.
- Stopping drinking. Me? Queen of the negroni and frequent scaler of the rosé cliff? What if I’m actually 💯 boring and no one likes me sober??
- Literally changing my mind. Spending time and effort changing my thought patterns, and being happier and more stable as a result.
But the scariest thing has come from one of my other favourite phrases (and a super cheesy one at that): “be the change you want to see”.
I bang on about mental health needing to be more out in the open, wax lyrical about the fact that people should feel comfortable and free talking about it, and I do blog about it a lot, but I don’t often talk about my blog. My ‘real life’ insta is arm’s length from my blog, and I’m always slightly nervous about people I know reading the blog and judging me – for the things I’ve judged myself for, for years.
Today, though, I sent an all-staff email at work talking about my marathon training and my fundraising. And, as part of that, I linked to my blog. I tried not to think too much about my colleagues reading about my struggles with alcohol or my PND. I tried not to think about them seeing progress pics of me in my pants (sorry guys). And I steered clear of thinking of them learning all about my basement-level self-esteem.
But I need to practise what I preach. It’s no good banging on about transparency and honesty around mental health if I’m only transparent and honest with a small, handpicked group of people whose reactions I can predict. The only way we’re going to #endthestigma is if people like me – unremarkable, normal people that you meet every day – start putting their hands up in public in the conversation around mental health, and saying “yep, that’s me”.
So maybe my colleagues will read it, and will think differently of me. Or maybe not, given that I wasn’t THAT brave and I tucked the link away down the bottom of an over-long email. But maybe one or two of them will read it, and maybe they might think differently of mental health. That’d be good.
And maybe someone might read it and feel a bit better knowing that they’re not alone. And maybe, just maybe, it might make someone feel like they can talk about their problems.
I’m definitely way out of my harbour here. But I really believe, in the long run, if we all hold the vision and trust the process, it’ll be worth it.
me and the moo 